Changing Times: A Better Option than "Coping"

The news media is really getting people hyped up about the economy and the conditions in the world. Have you noticed? Even our President seems to be resorting to fear to get legislation passed. How are you feeling about all of this?

As I'm out listening and talking to people, I'm hearing more and more people expressing fear and uncertainty about the future. And many are moving into a coping mode - dealing with the stress and anxiety with all of their favorite coping techniques: over-eating, drinking, smoking, entertainment, blaming, over busyness, waiting to see what happens, feeling hopeful that a hero will step in and save the day... you know, all the classic coping techniques that provide a temporary relief, but really don't leave you feeling empowered and alive.

So, I thought it might be a good time to introduce you to something different - something much more powerful than just "coping." Let's begin with the good news: COPING is not the only option! But before we look at another option, let's take a closer look at "coping."

The psychological definition of coping is, "the process of managing taxing circumstances, expending effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize, reduce or tolerate stress or conflict." As you can see, coping has a focus on "taxing circumstances," "problems," and "stress or conflict." This is certainly a focus of the media and many people's conversations today.

Here's a question to reflect on: "Am I walking through life primarily focused on burdensome circumstances, problems, stress, and conflict?" If you find yourself with this focus, how is this impacting your health, relationships, and your future?

If you discover that you spend your life mostly coping, the unfortunate outcome is that your greatest gift, your greatest contribution that you can offer the world, will remain arrested inside of you. You'll be spending the vast amount of your time and energy coping with unfavorable circumstances and the related stress instead of fully living your gift. More than likely, you'll find yourself saying something like, "As soon as things get better, then I'll show up and really live." However, if coping becomes a habit and a way of seeing the world, you will discover you never get enough problems solved - and the time is never quite right - to really show up and give your best.

Now, I'm not saying there is anything "wrong" with coping. It's a great skill. However, it's not a great "way of life." So, what is a better option than coping?

Creating!

Creating is about bringing into existence something you love, something that matters to you. It's about creating something that is of benefit to others. This could be a result, a product, an experience, a relationship, a business, a state of being. Here we can ask: "Am I walking through life focused on creating what matters most to me?" Choosing to be a creator is a much more powerful way to live your life! Each day is a day to create, to play, to live life fully! Imagine living each day as a gift in which you - through the power of choice - step boldly into your world and create experiences that truly matter to you, experiences that enrich your life and the life of those around you!

I know...I can hear some of your objections already. "But Denver, how can I create what matters most to me when there's so much uncertainty in my life and the world?" The answer is, you can. There is no way to take the uncertainty out of the future - ever. And the good news is, you don't have to! You do not need circumstances to be a certain way in order to create what matters most to you. In fact, your ability to create (and our ability to create collectively) is what will shift circumstances for the better. What the world needs most is not another government bailout. What the world needs is each of us stepping up - stepping out - and powerfully showing up as the creators that we are. But we've somehow sold out, believing that the best we can do is cross our fingers, rely on our leaders, hope for the best, and cope our way through. I'm inviting you to CREATE your way through this challenging time - and in fact - through the rest of your life.

Are you focused primarily on coping or creating? The answer will determine the quality of the rest of your life. If you have discovered that you spend a great deal of your time and energy coping instead of creating, and you would like to transform your life so you are living as a creator, then I invite you into a coaching relationship with me. Educating and supporting others in being a creative force in the world is central to my work. Simply e-mail me at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com, and we'll explore the possibility of working together!

Changing times... your invitation to be a gift to the world. Are you ready?

Know Any "Difficult" People?

Difficult people... know anyone like that?

OK, so join me here on a little adventure. First, think of someone in your life that you really feel is "difficult." It could be your spouse, a child, a co-worker, your boss, a neighbor.

Got someone? Great!

Now, draw up an image of them in your mind. Yes, there they are... Now, allow yourself to get in touch with what it's like for you when you are with this person... Not only notice how you feel about them, but also notice how you feel about yourself when you are with them...

Now, for just a moment, drop the idea that this person is a "difficult" person. For now - just in this moment - let go of thinking about this person as "difficult." See them as a human being on a journey, just like you. As you do this, begin to notice how differently you feel about the other person... AND... notice how differently you feel about yourself...

Just notice...

Pretty cool, huh? You see, when we see others as "difficult" and get all "bent out of shape" because of it - who is that we are becoming? And, when we drop the judgment of "difficult" (or any other label) - and allow ourselves to see the other person with FRESH eyes, who is that they get to become and who is that we get to become?

The invitation here is to drop the judgment "difficult" (which belongs to you) and replace it with curiosity (which creates a new possibility): What's going on for them that is causing them to behave this way? What concern are they attempting to take care of? What are the commitments they are attempting to fulfill? What can you notice about this person that you've never noticed before? AND - get curious about yourself... why does this person set me off? What do I see in myself that is similar to what I see in them? What is this experience teaching me about myself? Does "difficult" describe them, or does it describe my own lack of ability to handle myself around them?

Consider this:

One of the most powerful ways to transform our relationship with another person is to be a space of possibility when we are with them. In other words, we show up in such a way that our presence creates a space in which the other person can show up differently if they chose to. This is a very loving thing to do.

Just imagine being a person that is a loving presence in which other people - yes, even the "difficult" ones - can show up and explore new possibilities for who they can be and what they can do! We all want and need an environment filled with people who believe in us and what is possible for us. And YOU can be that environment for others!

And when we drop the label "difficult" and allow ourselves to get curious about the other person - and commit to BEING a space of possibility for others, amazing things can and will happen. Creating such a space in our relationships creates an opening in which those involved can venture out - beyond their self-imposed limitations - and explore being someone greater in the world!

Be a gift to others...

-Denver